April 22, 1997

I lie awake in my bed,

thinking... what I left unsaid.

My eyes are swollen shut,

and my heart empty inside.

Please help me out of this rut,

or at least find me a place to hide.

God, all I wanted was love;

someone to love me back.

Show me an eagle or a dove,

and help me through this attack.

Well at least I know I can cry,

for my face is sopping with tears.

All this time I was always dry,

because I held in most of my fears.

I don't want to feel so alone,

as I always have before.

I just want a place of my own,

with "him" at the front door.

Not here though, for he is gone.

And I am left here, only to long.

Please give me strength...

And help me move on.

For Neil

R.I.P.

1998

SHAKESPEARE...

SONNET 29

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Apropos.

In Memory

(Written by Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS)

I find an old photograph and see your smile. As I feel your presence anew, I am filled with warmth and my heart remembers love. I read an old card sent many years ago during a time of turmoil and confusion. The soothing words written then still caress my spirit and bring me peace. I remember who you used to be the laughter we shared and wonder what you have become. Where are you now, Where did you go, When the body is left behind and the spirit is released to fly? Perhaps you are the morning bird singing joyfully at sunrise, or the butterfly that dances so carelessly on the breeze or the rainbow of colors that brightens a stormy sky or the fingers of afternoon mist delicately reaching over the mountains or the final few rays of the setting sun lighting up the skies edging the clouds with a magical glow. I miss your being but I feel your presence, In whatever form you choose to take, however you now choose to be. Your spirit has become for me a guardian angel on high guiding, advising, and watching over me. I remember you. You are with me and I am not afraid. *Except for the not afraid part.

Happy V-Day Suckas!

One cool dude.

Life without Dad...

= SAD. It's been 15 days now, but it seems like yesterday. I still haven't been able to go home and sleep in my own bed. I'm with my sisters in Dad's home. We are each other's support, thankfully. Memories flow through me every minute... all of them good. I find myself thinking, "Oh, I need to tell Dad" when something off the wall happens, which is often in my world... but I can't. We had Nam flashbacks together. We rocked the nugget to Kris Kristofferson and Hoyt Axton... and Creedence, et al. I think about how sick he was, and how he fought with all his might to stay with us as long as he could. And I know... he's not suffering anymore. I know this. No need to tell me he's in a "better place"... but I appreciate the notion??? Life is surreal right now, to say the least. One day at a time. I cherish everything he left behind. I cherish his memory. I cherish his legacy... he was quite loved by many, you know. He was the missing link to my personality. I feel real bad for the "people" who didn't get a chance to hang out with him. YOUR loss.

Dad always had my back. ALWAYS. Sometimes we disagreed. Sometimes we would bicker. But we ALWAYS told each other, "I Love You" when saying goodbye... in person and on the phone. E-mail, texts, etc. EVERY time. For 40 years. I still can't believe he's not coming back... My heart has NEVER felt this much pain. NEVER. Oh, and it's been through a lot. I'm thankful I have TRUE friends at this time. This is me bearing public displays of emotion... you got me.

The end.


"TRUE friends" are just that... not pretend friends.

"People" You know who you are.

My beloved Dad.

Hound dogs on my trail.

To be continued...

Sometimes it's easier for me to express myself through writing rather than face to face. Don't get me wrong, if we met and I thought you were a Tool, I'd tell you. Not really. I have nothing to say now though. I don't know what to say, I mean write. Writers block? But I am especially tired and sore today. I was barely mobile yesterday. Sat night was my officially old birfday party - AKA, the aROCKalypse. I spent most of the time rolling on the floor, on cars... and random parking lots. And climbing walls. I almost broke my hip. I did break my red shoe though. NOT COOL. Plus, I got dry humped in the doorway of the unisex bathroom. I was hell bent for leather. Then I ran into an "old friend" who now won't stop texting me. I'm convinced it was not a coincidence he showed up and lurked. I think his "safety girl" would get upset if she found this out, so I'll just leave it at that. Oh yeah, I was starving yesterday too, and did not have food in my fridge. And ran out of juice. It blew. Not that I really need food right now, cause I gained mucho pounds from the holidayz, but you know how that is. Or not. Plus, I'm trying to ween off gloggers, and it's hard. I said hard. That's all I have to say about that. I don't have advice today, but will real soon. Or if you need advice, just ask. Word.

The end.


Oh wait... sometimes people don't know WTF my terminology is, so I will always explain. Or try to.

"Old Friend" is a boy from your past.

"Safety Girl" is your mom in a younger woman's body. The girls men feel secure with.

"Gloggers" are the evil cigarettes that kill you and make you cough, and make you look old. They are bad and addictive.