HEAVEN

So, I was thinking about Heaven. How do I get there when I die? I always thought that if you do onto others as you'd have done to you, was the first step. Perhaps generosity, kindness and compassion (to all living beings) are other steps?

Wait there's more. The Ten Commandments... we've heard about them, Thou shalt not kill, steal and commit adultery, Honor thy father and mother (my personal fav), take the Lord's name in vain (sorry I was driving in traffic!), etc... It probably doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure these out! Another Commandment states "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." Hmmm, what a pisser... now I cannot believe in the Buddha, Abraham, Confucius, Allah (God forbid!)... Or any of the other gazillion entities in this world? What to do. I really want to go to heaven when I die because I heard that Hell is bad bad bad.

Wait, I remember how to get to Heaven when I die. I need to be Saved! I was told this when I went to church with with my aunt five years ago on Easter Sunday. All or nothing, "they" said. Jesus' way or the highway. Cool, I think I will do it this Sunday. I can renounce Satan and evil with blessed water. Sweet. Does this mean I can now practice unethical procedures in business; not practice what I preach; condemn abortion... then later that day discuss blowing up the Middle East and support the death penalty; put down vegetarians because the Bible claims that animals are for man to eat (even though theoretically plants were the choice before "dominion" on animals); have sex with a hooker; covet my neighbor; be a racist, and still make it to heaven? Yes! Because I will be Saved by the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit!

Uh oh. Does this mean I have to become a hypocrite? Does this mean I cannot be friends with Homosexuals... and do I have to vote Republican? Basically, what I'm asking... If I want to go to heaven when I die, do I have to act like an asshole to get there? Screw it... I'm going to the beach on Sunday! However, I will make sure I give some change or whatever I can spare to a starving, or perhaps drug addicted homeless person.

Do you realize... that everyone you know... someday... will die.

Note: I don't mean to offend anyone. I know there are some good non-judgemental Christians out there.

"Dangerous consequences will follow when politicians and rulers forget moral principles. Whether we believe in God or karma, ethics is the foundation of every religion."

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

My worst fears...

My worst fear is that one day I may be in a situation when I have to say, "I was young... I needed the money."

My worst fear is that someone will speak to me in french and I will reply in español. por que?

My worst fear is, If I eat a bagel, someone will drive by me and scream out the window, "Enough with the bagels... your ass looks like a truck!"

My worst fear is that one of these days I am going to wake up and look like Keith Richards.

My worst fear is that my neighbor will knock on my door at 8am. I told him I will never answer the door at 8am! EVER!

My worst fear is my next birthday.

My worst fear is that I am going to wake up and look like Keith Richards.

My worst fear is that I will not be able to buy my Malibu beach house or Manhattan brownstone before I retire. Retire??? What?

My worst fear is what's behind the shower curtain.

My worst fear is accidentally stepping on a cat hairball the minute I walk through the door.

My worst fear is cold season, for Nyquil gives me Nam flashbacks. (Do I watch too much Magnum PI?)

My worst fear is Willie Nelson's pound of weed.

My worst fear is that I will wake up and look like Keith Richards. (Did I already mention that?)

My worst fear is finding my next gig. (Obviously I am not working on that right now)

My worst fear is lack of tail.

My worst fear is the Apocalypse...

The bloody WHO.

So I finally got to see the Who in concert! Did it rock the nugget? You better you better you bet. It's not the what; it's the bloody fucking WHOOOOOOOOOO!!! HELLS YEAH. Anyway, there were a lot of guys with old man butt there, and kids too… but the kids are alright. The arena was a big pot smoking manifest. I staggered back to the underground and the breeze blew back my hair. Hell, I saw Athena. I had no idea how much I'd need her. When it comes to all night living I know what I'm giving. I've got it all down to a tee… and it's free.

I'm not trying to cause a big s-s-sensation, it's just that I've been dreaming of seeing the bloody Who… but my dreams, they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be. And, I tell you what… Roger Daltrey is STILL one dead ass sexy ass muther fuckin rock star!!! Isn't he like 60 and shit? How do you think he does it? I don't know. What makes him so good? I can't explain, I think its love? He's all short too… but looks pretty tall. I look pretty tall, but my heels are high. He looks young for his age too. The simple things you see are all complicated. I look pretty young, but I'm just back-dated, yeah…

Okay, I could go on but I drunk myself blind to the sound of old T-Rex, and I now must travel south cross land to the LB to pick up that fur pie, Pinky. My apartment is soon to be a pet farm… even friggen squirrels and shit! No lie. The exodus is here, but I don't mind. Sometimes, I feel I gotta get away.

Rock is dead they say? I think not. Don't get fooled again. No, no!

LONG LIVE ROCK!

Be it dead or alive…

April 22, 1997

I lie awake in my bed,

thinking... what I left unsaid.

My eyes are swollen shut,

and my heart empty inside.

Please help me out of this rut,

or at least find me a place to hide.

God, all I wanted was love;

someone to love me back.

Show me an eagle or a dove,

and help me through this attack.

Well at least I know I can cry,

for my face is sopping with tears.

All this time I was always dry,

because I held in most of my fears.

I don't want to feel so alone,

as I always have before.

I just want a place of my own,

with "him" at the front door.

Not here though, for he is gone.

And I am left here, only to long.

Please give me strength...

And help me move on.

For Neil

R.I.P.

1998

SHAKESPEARE...

SONNET 29

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Apropos.

In Memory

(Written by Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS)

I find an old photograph and see your smile. As I feel your presence anew, I am filled with warmth and my heart remembers love. I read an old card sent many years ago during a time of turmoil and confusion. The soothing words written then still caress my spirit and bring me peace. I remember who you used to be the laughter we shared and wonder what you have become. Where are you now, Where did you go, When the body is left behind and the spirit is released to fly? Perhaps you are the morning bird singing joyfully at sunrise, or the butterfly that dances so carelessly on the breeze or the rainbow of colors that brightens a stormy sky or the fingers of afternoon mist delicately reaching over the mountains or the final few rays of the setting sun lighting up the skies edging the clouds with a magical glow. I miss your being but I feel your presence, In whatever form you choose to take, however you now choose to be. Your spirit has become for me a guardian angel on high guiding, advising, and watching over me. I remember you. You are with me and I am not afraid. *Except for the not afraid part.

Happy V-Day Suckas!